This is about my broken heart

You think through life a bit differently

when you are told how this would all end

That's the shock that people live

their whole lives re-directing

But my time is fixed to the signs

my doctors use

to understand my heartbeat

My heartbeat is proving fatal

Anyone should know that

living in constant shock

is not really shocking any longer

It becomes something else entirely

My heartbeat was not always erratic

At least I can't believe it

was always like this

It never got so bad that

I would lose sensation

in my chest and all sense of time

It was pretty bad when it first started

I mean

I think it is

a little funny

I was singing the song about the horses

You must remember it

it is a very famous Cantonese melody

The song itself is about the potency

of strength and

courage of these horses

They escape the grasp of those that want

claim to the land

and if it wasn't the land

it would be a claim to their bodies

& they were forced to

always keep moving

Prevailing

and so on

You must remember this

song since it is very famous

If I sing it for you,

you will recognize it

When it gets translated

from Cantonese into English,

it becomes a love song

This is the reason why Sin Ya asked

me to perform this song at her wedding

There's a subliminal quality to it

When the audience heard

the beginning notes, they

clinked their glasses

and clapped their hands

The simple joy in recognition

When I entered the first chorus, I started

to feel my chest tighten and lost focus

I no longer could control how I was hitting

my notes and my vision became blurry

In that moment I also

realized that the English

version of the song got

rid of the horses completely

There was no longer any trace of

them in the words coming from my mouth

I was taking part

in a violence

towards these horses

And like a wave that

reaches it's crest

the pressure in my chest

bloomed beyond my control

My body went from heat to

ice, I shrank into my dress and I

could feel the rattle in my heart

sending blood up to my ears

I couldn't even hear myself singing

Later my cousin told me

I sang the entire song fine

It was only afterwards that

I grew pale and collapsed

Fainting after singing a

love song at a wedding

How special

An unforgettable song for

an unforgettable wedding

Sin Ya and her partner

are together to this day

Did that love song keep

them together for this long?

I would like to think so

Prevailing and so on

Prevailing and so on

I was diagnosed with arrhythmia

shortly after that incident

If you are willing to believe it

I've been monitoring my heartbeat since

It's been two decades now

If you didn't know the precariousness

of my situation you might

assume this type of surveillance

of my health is overkill

The data of my heart

alone is well over 6 terabytes

I look for signs of turbulence over

the course of weeks, months, years

I keep a journal and try to think of even

the smallest things that happen each day

To try to piece together

the root of my condition

This is about my broken heart